Been single for years, getting pretty desperate, so I put on my best chucks and a dress shirt and head out to try my luck
With the ladies of the general public
I walk into this bar and as soon as I have a drink in hand, this girl's standing so close to me I can smell the crantini on her breath, her flirt skills are level 99 and I got weak resistance, I'm fucking up punchlines but she's chuckling, transparently insistent
Perfectly resplendent when she's bending over backwards
Acting like her laughter ain't completely manufactured
But who knows what she's after
Pretenses getting shattered faster than glass platters
When mad dads huck 'em at the plaster
So fuck it ima ask her
I said "you puttin on this fake face, you seeking something specific?"
She said "you" and put her left hand directly on my dick
I said "damn girl, slow down, why you moving so fast
I got some questions to ask, like the who, what and why, ma'am"
She looked me straight in eyes and said "i can't answer em, I don't know who I am"
Then she kissed me hard on my lips and my pants practically exploded
So I took her home and I swear the whole way back, I floated

I may embellish deets but that's just so it won't be boring
It may sound like fiction but i guarantee it's a true story
I been working on my diction in my mirror's reflection
But this tall tale's weird enough and it don't need any stretching

I woke the next morning beside an angel shaped imprint in my bed
I panicked and hopped up, she was in my kitchen making eggs
The light came in from the window behind her and wrapped her up
In a blanket of warm sunshine, she would have stacked up
Against the great beauties of yesteryear, the future, or any time
Bettie and Marilyn could barely compare
Audrey and Ingrid couldn't hold a candle
To my gorgeous nameless random stranger
Clark and Bogey couldn't even handle her
This was the most monumentous perfect morning, nothing could fuck it up,
She handed me my plate, and said "I'm married to a hateful son of a bitch and he loves me as much as his guns
He knows I'm here, and we gotta run."

Without hesitation we dropped it all and we hit road
We put miles far behind us but we could always feel him close
We tried to stay in motion but stopped at a remote watering hole
We weren't inside for five minutes when we heard his truck approach

He busted through the door, he was burly he was strapping
And he was strapped, as in packing a colt 45 with the hammer fully back he
Said with a surprisingly soft voice so you're the boy toy? You're the one?
The man who stole my girl she was my world! She was my shining sun!
I said "judging by the beard you seem like a Lynard Skynard man
So like that song, gimme three steps and I'll peel out in my van, you'll never see me again
Draw up a contract if you have to and pass me the pen!"
I know it was cowardice, it was awful, the opposite of brave
But you try staring down the barrel of a gun big enough to blast caves
Into mountains, there was shouting, so loud, it was chaos
Until the ruckus was stopped by the deafening pop of two shots
They rang out into the night like high noon church bells and then quiet, followed by the clink of gravity's effect on two shells,then silence
I opened my eyelids, my ears were buzzing, legs ain't budging, covered in blood
I see her hovering above me, she's angelic but it's a red halo
Like it's been branded with the devil's logo
I'm not saying it was her plan the whole time, but I can see her old man's brains on the back wall and I can tell I'm clearly dying
You thought you knew the plot but I hit you with that twist
Not shyamalan I be on that Sunset Boulevard shit
She was ready for her close up, my obituary was already written
I felt myself slip away the same time as her hand did
And now as I'm taking my last breath I feel the same sense of loss that her old man did
Now she's moved on, a lovely little lady living life with some new prick
Put some meat on her bones from her cheeks to her hips
Sometimes I catch myself speaking of her fondly saying "we used to be so happy and joyful, see"
And my fellow ghosts say "fuck her, man!" and I cover with, "I meant like, the Royal we"
Yeah, that's definitely what I meant
The royal we

So maybe it was fiction this whole story that I told
But I'm in purgatory now all I can do is enjoy the show
Maybe it was all a metaphor, maybe it was all a dream
I'm just glad it's off my chest cause it's been literally killing me